Let it go

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

"Let it go." Too many times we have heard this and so many times needed. It just struck me that as simple as it sounds, it is the hardest thing to do. It frustrates the hell out of me that it is not as simple as chanting it in your head and deceiving yourself that you have let go already. It is hard to let go of others' words, promises and whatever not. I thought that it might be useful to tell myself that I should let it go because people who let you down(going back on their words or whatever not), don't matter and I should be doing myself a favour by not letting their actions ruin me and affect my mood(counter productive). My dear friend Khairul taught me to expect the worst out of everyone. Let go of your expectations of others, do the best your best for people around you and you deserve a kiss on the cheek. Expectations are fallacies when it is of others, but surety of oneself.
Feeling so much better now, never know blogging can be such an enjoyment! Thank you for reading! 

Just saying

Friday, February 6, 2015

If only differences could be resolved. And people are more willing to just listen. Perhaps 3/4 of the world's problem would be non-existent. 

Nowadays, whenever I feel uncomfortable/ angry/ sad because of someone's action. I will try so hard to understand the person's motives, try being in his/her shoes. A lot of times, it narrows deep back into their personality. This is pretty upsetting to me because this being his/her personality just means that it will be really hard to avoid future upsets. However, my love for him/her does not allow me to put him/her in exile. Right at this moment, I think I just answered myself. Perhaps my love as great as I made it sound like, may be able to just accept this person's "flaw". Perhaps my love isn't that great to overlook my own needs for his/her comfort. So when I feel that my love is not enough or when I am tired of trying to accept, does that signal the end of the relationship? 

If I have tried really hard and got weary, will anyone tell me that I have done enough and it is time to rest?

I can't tell if I have tried hard enough and I am tired or that I haven't tried hard enough and I am still too focused on myself.

I don't really want a confrontation because I am pretty used to getting replies that insinuate that I am still too focused on myself and I haven't been considerate.
It's as if you are not mad, everyone around you tells you that you are mad and you begin to think that you are REALLY mad.

BUT THEN, no mad man thinks he is mad.

I am simply confused if I have done too much or I haven't done enough.

As of now, I have decided to not give a poop about it. I will just ignore my feelings/needs, because at least I am being unselfish. Do I even make sense?  I will STFU and stretch myself. Nothing really make sense right now. I am torn apart within myself.

But hey, at least I am blogging! :D

Kickass Beginning x 21st

Monday, February 2, 2015

The 2nd half of 2014 was a wreck. I was a huge let down for someone who gave me so much love which I thought was never possible from a non-family. A 15 year old me would have a better judgement than the 20 year old me. Never did I think that this relationship would have such a bad ending. Till to date, I am truly sorry about how things have ended. Right after, even though I was showered with huge amount of affection, I didn't feel good at all because the happier I was, the less deserving I felt to be happy. But I know there wasn't any turning back, the whole point of breaking up was to end what should have ended, which I held onto because of my own selfish-ness and cowardice. I am glad that I had the courage to come clean with myself and to K and put an end to us. I am very thankful towards K for teaching me so much for the past 2 years. He has always been an inspiration for me to become more discipline. Even though I am not any better now.

Things did not immediately turn into rainbows with unicorns prancing about when Z and I got started. I still felt really undeserving of anyone's affection. I questioned Z so many times if he was sure about me because I was such a bad bad choice. I wouldn't even choose myself at all. I still cannot believe that someone like him actually stayed. He gave me nothing short of 6723 mins of  assurance therapy. In a such a short span of time, he actually delve into the darkest part of me, like no one ever did. He took the time to just talk about me and nothing else. He is the most patient person I have ever dated. 
Thank you for being the sparkly effervescence to the darkest part of my life. 

I have learnt that life should be more of what I like and less of what other people think I should be. Material goods do make me happy but what truly makes me feel blessed is the presence of friends and family in my life.
 I thought that my 21st birthday would be really crappy. I hated how I should be the one organising and sending out invitations, so I was not going to do that. No grand birthday party for me = lonely birthday again =  crappy. I thought maybe an expensive bag would make up for it. I wasn't expecting Z to do anything grand for me because he is pretty laid back. But on my birthday, I was surprised that I felt really contented when my relatives(whom I am not really close to) and a few close friends drop by for a mini buffet lunch. I cannot remember the last time I felt so contented and blessed by the presence of people on my birthday. 

I am apologetic towards my friends( Ben, Arena, Jovy, Melissa and Kamy) who came by as I was too busy preparing to head out for Z's surprise for me.
I thought it would just be a nice tea time in town, surprise dinner gathering and then stayover at his place. Turned out to be a staycation at Lloyd's and got my CV friends to surprise me unexpectedly in Desigual(lied that his mum wanted him to get a scarf which was on sale). Thank you Nicc Hadi, Jon,  Raeon and Leon for turning up! 

It was my best birthday ever.

I am truly blessed by what I have in my life right now.
I will continue to document my growth and experiences more regularly.
Thank you for reading!